Birds Fleeing Tewksbury, Afraid of TMHS “Killer” Windows

Birds Fleeing Tewksbury, Afraid of TMHS Killer Windows

Roy Smeltzer, Correspondent

An internal investigation of bird deaths here at TMHS has revealed that thousands, if not millions, of birds have died as a result of flying into windows that they quite simply didn’t see. “Their corpses litter the ledges and grounds,” says sophomore Michael Wayanda, recently transferred from our sister school in Wichita. “I imagine that they think we have an open style campus, and that to fly forward is to fly through a space that allows them entrance to the school–like Home Depot.”

“Students can’t help but notice the carnage,” added Delilah Vance-Royce, a senior who plans on opening up a catering business when she graduates. An unnamed source offered that the administration is aware, and is hoping that a rather unconventional approach might save the day.  “We hear that they contacted a freelance necromancer who has promised to commune with the spirits of the dead and negotiate some sort of understanding. Maybe he’ll also be able to cleanse the land of evil spirits that, some say, drive the birds toward their untimely ends.”

“Wait and see,” said one administrator. “This necromancer promised to take care of the problem. We’ll see. We’re hoping–fingers crossed. He’s in Pittsburgh and it’s all happening over the Internet.”

Questions submitted to Superintendent Malone’s office were returned, unanswered. “I smell a conspiracy,” said Jack Sutherland. “Or maybe it’s just the stench of decomposing bird flesh.”